An Open Letter to Michael CaIne

During the annual watching of The Muppet's Christmas Carol I realized that a mistake had been made. A  HUGE  mistake (that's what she said).

For several posts I have misspelled a man's name. A man who has prepared me for stardom. A man who has taught me that I need to be in the 'fun' group. A man that works with muppets.

That man is Mr. Michael CaIne.  


Mr. CaIne,

Please accept my deepest and most sincerest apology for incorrectly spelling your last name here, here and here.  I'm sure you can understand that my traditional spelling of 'Cane' was short sided. I should never have thought that a man of your stature would have a traditional spelling of anything (well except Michael, that's pretty standard).  I hope you can find it in you (ha, find it in you...) to look past my short comings and not take this personally.  As you can see by looking here, spelling isn't something that is listed under 'talents' on my resume. 


Sincerely,


The (needs spellchecker) Actress

Airing of Grievances: The Acting Version

To honor the Festivus holiday I feel it is only appropriate to air my acting grievances.  In an effort to not sound like a bitter old acting hag, I will only air one.


2011 Festivus Grievance: Facebook Posts Announcing Auditions.  

Grievance examples:

"OMGGG I have SUCH an early audition tomorrow." 

"Hey guys, wish me luck on my audition today. It is an AWESOME role."

"Man that audition was long - crossing my fingers that I got the part!!!!"


Look, I get how exciting it is to get called out for an audition. The rush that comes with an audition is indescribable. But auditioning is just part of being an actor. The unpaid part of our J-O-B. 

Now, this might not seem like a suitable or note worthy grievance, so let me provide an example for those folks with normal jobs (or what I like to call 'jobs that pay the bills'). I give you:  Pay The Bills Facebook Posts Announcing Normal Activity:

"OMGGG I just made the BEST coffee."

"Hey guys, wish me luck on my status meeting today. I have an AWESOME pen to take notes with." 

"I just finished processing invoices - crossing my fingers accounting gets it!!!!!" 



Up next,  the Feats of Strength...

Token Girl Rifts Again

Recently, I was able to audition for a commercial that required me to act like I was tailgating. The many years cheering on the Mean Green taught me everything I needed to know for this audition (minus the Rum Ham and 4 Loko). 


At the audition, I was paired up with 3 guys (yea for being the token girl!). Typically, when I audition with other actors I like to get comfortable with them prior to the audition.  So I introduce myself to the male actors, make them laugh with my token joke (who doesn't like a token joke?) and start chatting about football and tailgating.


I mention that I have tailgated for years for North Texas (that statement is slightly depressing). I chat about my friends that join me and the food we tend to serve (RUM HAM).  I pause waiting for one of the males to join in, however instead of tailgating response I get: 


"Wait, are you rifting right now?"


I give a confused look back.  


What the hell is rifting? Are we talking about Continental Rifting? How is that applicable? Who says that? Rifting....Really?


Instead of calling him out on his poor choice of words, I simply say "No, that's just me providing examples on how I tailgate."


I then learn all male actors thought I was "rifting a good one".  


After getting past the 'rifting' comment, the dialogue changes to joke making, laughing and some good ol' improv (and as we all know, I like to lay down some mad improv). In mid sentence of some improv story, I get stopped.  Not for a laugh, clarification or to enhance the story. No.  I get stopped because male actor #1 MUST know if I was 'rifiting' again. 


Seriously.  I can't rift up a story like this. 

"You are so beautiful you could be a waitress"

Typically in an audition call sheet the casting director will give a description on what type of talent they are looking for; the preferred height, age range, hair color, etc. Lately I've been seen for several auditions looking for '...someone who is not too pretty or model-esque...'


Ok. I'll be the first to admit I'm not 'model-esque' pretty - I get it.  The part I am having a hard (ha I said hard) time dealing with is understanding why I'm not getting called back.  


Is it because I'm leaning too far at the end of the 'not too pretty' spectrum? 


Or am I more 'model-esque' than I thought I was -  but yet still don't have enough 'esque' to actually be a model? 


Will I spend eternity stuck in the middle of a not too pretty but not not too pretty conundrum where I will forever not be called back because I'm not pretty enough (or not not pretty enough)?!? 


Help me Michael Cane!