An Open Letter to Michael CaIne

During the annual watching of The Muppet's Christmas Carol I realized that a mistake had been made. A  HUGE  mistake (that's what she said).

For several posts I have misspelled a man's name. A man who has prepared me for stardom. A man who has taught me that I need to be in the 'fun' group. A man that works with muppets.

That man is Mr. Michael CaIne.  


Mr. CaIne,

Please accept my deepest and most sincerest apology for incorrectly spelling your last name here, here and here.  I'm sure you can understand that my traditional spelling of 'Cane' was short sided. I should never have thought that a man of your stature would have a traditional spelling of anything (well except Michael, that's pretty standard).  I hope you can find it in you (ha, find it in you...) to look past my short comings and not take this personally.  As you can see by looking here, spelling isn't something that is listed under 'talents' on my resume. 


Sincerely,


The (needs spellchecker) Actress

Airing of Grievances: The Acting Version

To honor the Festivus holiday I feel it is only appropriate to air my acting grievances.  In an effort to not sound like a bitter old acting hag, I will only air one.


2011 Festivus Grievance: Facebook Posts Announcing Auditions.  

Grievance examples:

"OMGGG I have SUCH an early audition tomorrow." 

"Hey guys, wish me luck on my audition today. It is an AWESOME role."

"Man that audition was long - crossing my fingers that I got the part!!!!"


Look, I get how exciting it is to get called out for an audition. The rush that comes with an audition is indescribable. But auditioning is just part of being an actor. The unpaid part of our J-O-B. 

Now, this might not seem like a suitable or note worthy grievance, so let me provide an example for those folks with normal jobs (or what I like to call 'jobs that pay the bills'). I give you:  Pay The Bills Facebook Posts Announcing Normal Activity:

"OMGGG I just made the BEST coffee."

"Hey guys, wish me luck on my status meeting today. I have an AWESOME pen to take notes with." 

"I just finished processing invoices - crossing my fingers accounting gets it!!!!!" 



Up next,  the Feats of Strength...

Token Girl Rifts Again

Recently, I was able to audition for a commercial that required me to act like I was tailgating. The many years cheering on the Mean Green taught me everything I needed to know for this audition (minus the Rum Ham and 4 Loko). 


At the audition, I was paired up with 3 guys (yea for being the token girl!). Typically, when I audition with other actors I like to get comfortable with them prior to the audition.  So I introduce myself to the male actors, make them laugh with my token joke (who doesn't like a token joke?) and start chatting about football and tailgating.


I mention that I have tailgated for years for North Texas (that statement is slightly depressing). I chat about my friends that join me and the food we tend to serve (RUM HAM).  I pause waiting for one of the males to join in, however instead of tailgating response I get: 


"Wait, are you rifting right now?"


I give a confused look back.  


What the hell is rifting? Are we talking about Continental Rifting? How is that applicable? Who says that? Rifting....Really?


Instead of calling him out on his poor choice of words, I simply say "No, that's just me providing examples on how I tailgate."


I then learn all male actors thought I was "rifting a good one".  


After getting past the 'rifting' comment, the dialogue changes to joke making, laughing and some good ol' improv (and as we all know, I like to lay down some mad improv). In mid sentence of some improv story, I get stopped.  Not for a laugh, clarification or to enhance the story. No.  I get stopped because male actor #1 MUST know if I was 'rifiting' again. 


Seriously.  I can't rift up a story like this. 

"You are so beautiful you could be a waitress"

Typically in an audition call sheet the casting director will give a description on what type of talent they are looking for; the preferred height, age range, hair color, etc. Lately I've been seen for several auditions looking for '...someone who is not too pretty or model-esque...'


Ok. I'll be the first to admit I'm not 'model-esque' pretty - I get it.  The part I am having a hard (ha I said hard) time dealing with is understanding why I'm not getting called back.  


Is it because I'm leaning too far at the end of the 'not too pretty' spectrum? 


Or am I more 'model-esque' than I thought I was -  but yet still don't have enough 'esque' to actually be a model? 


Will I spend eternity stuck in the middle of a not too pretty but not not too pretty conundrum where I will forever not be called back because I'm not pretty enough (or not not pretty enough)?!? 


Help me Michael Cane! 

Say girl, that's some mad improv!

Recently, I was able to attend an audition where instead of being asked to memorize a script, they wanted to see me improv around a predetermined situation. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with the fine art that is improv, according to Urban Dictionary, improv is:

"Short for improvisation, a comedy format in which the performers make up the scene on the spot

I saw some awesome improv at comedysportz last night "

Oddly enough  it is also defined as:

"Generally used after making a ridiculously funny statement, causing even more laughter from your peers

Yo man that joke was mad improv!!! "

Because my peers are often overheard yelling  'say girl, you just laid down some mad improv!!!!' (insert laugh track here) I thought I was going to own this audition. 

I walk in to the audition room, received instruction around the scene, given my action cue and then I let my magical improv fly.After the take, the casting director didn't say 'Yo girl, that joke was some mad improv!!!' like I was expecting.  Instead, he says "Sarah, that seemed sarcastic and a little condensing." I reply with a "Yeah? Thanks!" (because obviously that was a complement) To which he replied "Oh...so that's just you being normal? Why don't we do another take where you're not that."   

Improv: 1      Sarah: 0 

The Morning After

Picture in your mind the best night you have ever had. A night that with the right amount a luck you could throw a bag of Doritos right in the center of a moving vehicle or steal a rearview mirror from the back of a pickup truck.

Got this night in your mind? Good.

Now imagine the morning after. (I have Advil if you need it)

Remember waking up with the whatjusthappeneddidJamiereallystealarearviewmirror feeling? Perhaps there were some questions of uncertainty (How did tin foil wind up in my hair?). Or possible thoughts of doubt (There is no way I yelled at the limo driver). But overall the morning after a great night is filled with the satisfaction of knowing that you just experienced something that only happens once in a while.

This is what it was like for me the day after my first shoot.  While the moment itself was incredible, the morning after I was left with a severe shoot hangover.  I had the realization that I was able to experience something that doesn’t happen every day.

Now, I know those of you in the BFG (blog fan group) haven't seen a post without some type of self deprecating humor.  So I’ll leave you with this -  on this day of firsts, while all the other actresses only took a brief time in the make-up chair – I  had to spend a massive amount of time getting 'worked on' because, “Your eyes just look dead, let me see if I can get some makeup magic working…”

I blame it on my lazy eye…

I know that this photo has nothing to do with the post. But this is my blog, and I like it - so deal with it.

Full Crazy

I was lucky enough to do something right during a recent audition to get a call back.  Unlike the initial audition, for a call back you not only audition in front of the casting director but also the ad agency and/or the director (I like to refer to them as The Judgment Panel).  To me a call back says, "Alright, we want to see if the first time was a fluke or if you really know what you’re doing."

For this call back, I was asked to read for the same role I initially auditioned for.  So I went through my lines again, tried to figure out what I did right the first time, and braced myself for the unknown.

Call back day arrives. As I sign in, I see two additional scripts.  A slight panic starts to overcome me.  As I sit down, another actress is rehearsing her lines and says to me 'Man, I'm having a really hard time with this monologue.' As I try to resist the urge to laugh because she said hard, I say 'Oh, I didn't get a monologue to read.' This statement results in the actress giving me a 'You are so dumb, for real' stare.

My panic increases. 

As I make my way back to the front desk to ask for some clarity, the casting director comes out, points to me and says 'You're next.' 

In a panic stricken voice, I ask the casting assistant about the monologue.  She gives me the reply that I feared.  'Yeah. You will be reading for both parts.' ( the bed intruder song  starts to race through my mind).  I grab the extra monologue copy that was next to the sign in sheet and feverishly read through it. As I finish my first read, the door to the audition room opens and it is now my turn.

Poop.

I walk in, The Judgment Panel has started their job - judging - and I'm doing everything I can not to vomit.  After I slate, I am then asked to read the monologue first. The Judgment Panel reassures me that they aren’t looking for accuracy of the lines, but rather the tone and emotion of the monologue (lucky me).  I start into the monologue. I am almost immediately stopped by The Judgment Panel and given the following direction 'You seem to be acting..stop doing that...' The speaker of The Panel continued to provide me with additional context, but after hearing ‘stop acting’ I blanked out.  

Take two.

This time I make it all the way through without any notes.  Now it's time to read for the part I actually know.  I work my way through the scene, hitting the lines I thought worked last time and adjusting where needed.  At the end I felt relatively confident.  That was until The Judgment Panel says to me "So I see you decided to go full crazy on this."

Not knowing what really to do with that feedback, I smile, nod, and say 'Yup.'

After leaving the audition, I am certain that no one wants to hire someone who just went 'full crazy'.

But then life once again proves me wrong.  Always go full crazy.

Audition Brags

One of the best parts about going to an audition (besides of the potential of making some mad cash) is the eavesdropping.

I have heard from my BFG (blog fan group) that the post on Actor Cliques was a very insightful and a useful tool (that was a lie; my fan group doesn’t have a name). But nonetheless I think my learning’s need to be shared in easy to understand categories. So I present to you:

 "Audition Brags: It's not eavesdropping if you are talking loud enough for me to hear you in the next room.”

• 'Back to back audition' Brag
• This is a classic brag that can be heard at most auditions. The point? To make sure everyone in ear shot understands that not only do they have some mad planning skillz (Two auditions? In one day? How will you ever manage?!) but also reinforce that no matter what the auditions were for (Campus Connection) , 2 is more than 1.

• 'Waiting to hear back on a movie in Vancouver' Brag
• Don’t be fooled.  While on the surface you might be mesmerized by the word 'movie', the simple utter of the word 'Vancouver' (or anywhere in Canada for that matter) means that this ‘film’ is either:

1) A Lifetime Movie titled “Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant”

2) Photo shoot for flannel socks

3) or a PSA for men/women who can’t grow beards

• ‘Film coming out <in limited release>’ Brag
• Similar to the ‘Vancouver Brag’, and uneducated bystander might have the instinct to grab a piece a paper and ask for an autograph.  But instead of trying to explain this one, I’ll simply provide the overheard dialogue:

Girl: “It’s so good to see you again! So how are things going?”

Boy: “Fantastic! I had two auditions today.  I had to rearrange my hair appointment just so I could fit everything in.”

Girl: “Wow that’s great! Yeah I’m waiting to hear back on a movie opportunity in Vancouver.”

Boy: “Very cool. Speaking of movies, the movie I just shot comes out this weekend.”

Girl: “Awesome, I would love to go see it, where is it playing at?”

Boy: “Well. It’s a limited release film…. about zombies.”

"Now I'll never be a teen model."

I tend to get anxious with photo shoots.  I'm not really sure where that comes from  - perhaps it's due to all the Olan Mills sessions I had as a child (Thanks Mom and Dad).  But I over analyze everything - my hair, my makeup, the wardrobe - I spend a ridiculous amount of time making sure everything is just 'right'.

Recently I took some new photos that were to serve as my new head shot and 'lifestyle' look. The photographer I used is very professional and well connected in the acting/modeling scene in Dallas and LA.  All these new elements contributed to my anxiety level being at an all time high. 

Prior to the shoot the photographer asked to see some recent photos. After sending some over, I receive back notes: “Sarah your tongue shows in all of your pictures. Make sure to work on that before our session.” So I added ‘smiling practice’ to my to-do list. Confidence Level: 90%

The photo shoot day arrives. I have practiced my tongue-free smile, I have fabulously styled wardrobe options, a hair and make-up guy is set up, and I took the day off of work so I wasn’t rushed.  Confidence level: 94% 

We start shooting. Almost automatically the photographer points out “Sarah, your right eye is lazy.  Can you try to open it more?” My mind freezes. How in the heck do I open one eye more than the other?  And how have I not noticed that I have a lazy eye?! Confidence level: 65%

Shooting continues. As we transition into the lifestyle shots, the photographer moves up the skirt I am wearing, saying “You look skinnier if the skirt is higher.” So now an already short skirt has been pulled up so I can look ‘more skinny’ and now my fu-fu is on display (insert inappropriate ‘hope that doesn’t show’ joke here). Confidence level: 42%

The shoot is almost over.  As I am posing for my lifestyle shots (oxymoron anyone?) the wind blows and my hair gets stuck in my lip-gloss.  I try to loosen the hair with my mouth to which the photographer says “Sarah, can you work on not making awkward looks with your face?”.  Confidence level:  21.3%


The shoot ends.

As I pack up my clothes, I reflect on the day and realize that I was never meant to be a model. That is unless a role calls for a lazy eye, tongue showing, awkward face making, pseudo skinny model.  If that’s the case, I got that locked down!

Empathizing with Lindsey Buckingham

An agent's role in any actors life is to get that actor paying jobs. So an agent is a great thing to have - but they are often hard to get (ha, I said hard).  From the start of my journey, landing an agent has been one of my primary goals.  Many headshots have been sent to many agents with the hope that they like the way I look just enough so I could get interview. Well to make a very long and uninteresting story short and slightly interesting - I managed to get someone to actually think I was good and represent me (they like me, they really like me).

Now that I have representation, the next step is to get sent out on booked auditions. This step started with an audition last week.  The Agent contacted me about an audition to confirm my availability, I was available, so The Agent scheduled me to go.

I arrived at the audition.

The check-in guy validates that I'm on the list, then asks me to fill out some information and wait to be called. As I am waiting, other actors arrive.  A  young girl and her dad walk in.  The girl checks in.  The dad gives off the impression that he picked the short straw that said he had to drive his tween to an audition. The Check-In-List-Master then asks the dad "Excuse me sir, would you like to audition too?".  My mouth dropped.  I was now the Lindsey Buckingham in my own version of the ‘What’s Up With That’ SNL skit. The dad tried to politely to decline, but the Check-In-List-Master insisted.   The dad agreed to audition …the same audition I had to get booked from my agent.  The same agent that I tried for months to get.

Here’s hoping a guy doing the running man in a red track suit doesn’t show up to my next audition.

When Birds Attack

When I’m asked 'So how that acting thing going?' I quickly pray that a flock of birds fly into my head just so I don't have to respond.

Now, let me provide some context. This isn't because I am not thrilled that someone other than myself cares enough to ask (yet alone remember) about my acting thing, but because quite frankly, 9 out of 10 times there isn't anything to share. I’m not praying for the movie Birds to be recreated because I am protecting my pride (wait..what pride?). My efforts are to protect the poor soul who asked.  I mean, they pushed aside all the important things going on their life to ask me about acting. I would imagine their internal dialogue that generated the initial ask went something like this:

‘Oh hey, there’s Sarah (she looks hot).  That reminds me, I need to let her know I <got promoted > <had a baby><got hit by a meteor><met Michael Cane>.  But wait, she acts.  I bet she has made huge strides in her career and is on the fringe of stardom (good thing I met Michael Cane because I have some tips for her).  But before I share about me, let me first ask about her.”

How disappointed would this person be to get the response ‘Oh…my acting thing. Yeah, well that’s going great. <awkward pause> In my acting class last week I was really able to articulate my character’s internal struggles of being a transvestite-cat-lover while also having a true passion for tango.’  

A flock of birds hitting my head is so much more entertaining and enjoyable than hearing that.

Awkward Talent

I wish Acting was like being a good singer.  Everyone loves a good singer.  Don’t believe me? Fine.  I’ll give you an example.  

You are attending a dinner party (in my mind you are fancy), and at this party you are mingling with the guests. You are in the midst of pleasantries with one particular guest when it is discovered that the other person is a singer.  As conversation around this talent continues, others in the room catch wind and join in the discussion (you rock at small talk).  Soon the entire room is gathered around listening to The Singer's tales.  Then, out of the blue someone yells 'Hey, I have this guitar here… we should jam!' (Hold it - if it is a fancy dinner party they might not use the words 'jam' so let me rephrase.)  'Pardon me, I see that the host has a baby grand piano, might I suggest a quick song to entertain these fine folks?' (better) The next thing you know your new best friend, The Singer is entertaining everyone with their mad skills.

Acting is more like being a bad singer. 

Take the same situation just mentioned, but instead of an angelic like voice, you hear a combination of Rebecca Black and Ricky Martin.  Suddenly the room is filled with a haze of awkwardness.  You instantly reach to your pockets to make sure you have your keys, eye the door and plan your escape route.  The same reaction occurs when someone utters the words  ‘Oh, yes I act.  Would you like me to do a quick monologue?’   

Being a good actor is like being a horrible singer. Mention you act, people reach for their keys, eye the door and plan an escape route - you have to be prepared.  Actors love a good monologue jam session.

'I would also like to thank Michael Cane ..."

A film teacher once recommended the book ' Acting in Film' by Michael Cane - giving the endorsement that this is the 'best book out there' for anyone intersted in becoming a better film actor. While he continued talking about the book I sat there trying to picture Michael Cane's face.

Then it hit me. He is the guy who played Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol! (Fact: Best Christmas movie ever.)

After class, I purchased the book and read it from cover to cover.  My teacher was right, this book provides a film actor with great words of wisdom and film acting advice (plus there is a DVD version!).  I also realized that my point of reference for Michael Cane probably shouldn't be the Muppet's.

The book covers topics such as 'Characters', 'The Take - Close-ups and Continuity' and 'Voice, Sound, Lighting Movement'. But as much as these helped me in preparation for class, auditions and for the one day where I am actually cast in a role, there was a chapter that felt strangely out of place.

Now keep in mind, this book is usually recommended to actors through a class, teacher, friend - actors who are just starting out or trying to become better at what they do - someone like me. So picture if you will that you are this person.  You have now come to the last chapter.  Your mind is filled with thoughts like: 'Wow - so glad I'm learning this now so I can nail that audition' or 'This is great direction for my upcoming scene' and 'No wonder Michael Cane rocked the Muppet's!'.  (Ok, so the last one was probably just me. But you get the point.)  And then you turn the page for the last chapter, and see the title called: 



'On Being a Star'


I'll pause for the irony of that to sink in.

Before even reading this part of the book I quickly made two assumptions. First, Michael Cane feels that only 'star type' actors are reading his book thus the necessity for this section. Or, he feels that his words of wisdom can make ANYONE a star, so you must prepare now on how best to handle your stardom.

I can't accurately articulate my reactions while reading this, so below I have listed the tidbits (excerpts from the book) that I plan on keeping with me -  through my obvious rise to fame: 

• 'Temperament usually comes from insecurity.  Real stars aren't insecure.'
• 'Fan mail is important, too (and you can usually write off the expenses). I don't personally answer every letter because that would be impossible. But I do sign ever photograph - I don't have a secretary who fakes my signature.' 
• '...when you are the leading man, you're always the one who gets sent to get the leading lady out of the dressing room if she won't come...She's probably still in there because her hair's not right, or she's not too keen on the director.  Very few leading ladies have to get the leading man out of the dressing room.'
• 'Hollywood is divided up socially into the A Team, the B Team, the C Team, and the Fun Team...Those people (the A Team)  don't mix with the B Team or the C Team for the simple reason that they don't want to be asked for jobs. But they do mix with the Fun Team.  I'm in the Fun Team.'

Submission Fail

When I see a post for an audition that I'm a ‘fit’ for, I get excited.  And if it is a paid gig - you better stand back.

The excitement seeps out of my fingers when I begin to type the submission. The 'Good Morning' or 'Dear Fill-in-name-here' cannot be typed fast enough.  My mind is yelling “faster fingers, faster!”. (That's what she said.) So a few typos are inevitable. But this is why God created spellchecker. 

But did you know that the great and almighty spellchecker does not review the subject line? No? Well, I found this tidbit of information out this morning … only after I hit the ‘send’ button.

So when my subject line stated 'A Mircal for Haven' instead of 'Miracle for Haven' I'm assuming the director is going to read it an think 'Oh what a cute typo! This actress must be really excited to submit for this role. Looks like she has some major spunk and personality! She doesn't even need to audition, give her the part!'

Right?

Actor Clique

I hated cliques in high school. The lunch room scared me. I have learned an audition room is an adult version of a high school lunch room.  At any given audition you should expect to see the following clique:

• 'Old Community Actor' clique
• Mandatory requirement for this group is you must be 50 or older.  Typically, they have been an active participant in their local community theater or church play. Don't be thrown off by their age, as they will show up to anything and everything - including a part that calls for a 15 year old ... in a torture-porn movie. 
• 'House Wife' clique
• This might be self explanatory, but in case you need help - these 'kept' women woke up one day (after their kids left for school), looked in the mirror (to examine their new face) and as their soap was playing in the background said to themselves 'Hey, I can do that' .
• 'College Hipster' clique
• Easy to spot, as their hipster clothing and slouched stance is a dead give-away. Usually have a friend or two who is a film student and played a role in their school project. Acting to them is often viewed as 'self expression'...that is until acting becomes too mainstream and they move on to a lesser known art - perhaps pottery.
• 'Acting Class' clique
• As much as it pains me to admit it, I am a card carrying member to this group. Walking into an audition is like walking into a scene study class, you know at least two people there, and conversation usually entails 'What do you think the scene objective is?', 'My beats and actions were totally off', 'So did you audition for that short-film about the introspective look into the life of unicorns?'
• 'Working Actor' clique
• In my mind these are the jocks and the cheerleaders of the audition lunch room. Walking in, you will notice them right away as they ooze with confidence and smell of sunshine. The good news? They are probably audition just to keep 'fresh' as they already landed a reoccurring role on a network sitcom *insert taped audience laughter here*

Lesson Learned

Auditioning for the first time always guarantees a unique experience. For me, I learned some invaluable life lessons:

1. Texas is hot.  Actors are dramatic.
2. When attending an open-call for a non-paid, non-studio, non-anything-that-comes-across-as-a-professional-film, expect to be greeted by 20+ other actors giving you a once-over judgment stare
3. If the open call is from 1:30 - 6:30... arrive at noon
4. Always bring a snack
5. Actors will yell and throw temper tantrums if they arrive first and not the first to sign in  (See Lesson 1)
6. In order to avoid small talk, keep your head down and headphones on (this can also come across as 'getting into character' and give you some mad acting props, so I see it as a win/win)